So I'm all set up here in the new bachelor(ette) pad. It's amazing. It's freedom and silence and peace and joy. It's so nice to go somewhere and just completely be yourself with no interruptions. No picking up after anyone, no animals or other humans demanding my attention.
Even the nasty communication from the soon-to-be-ex has stopped. Instead he has switched over to begging for my return. As much as it would be so much easier than this disentanglement there's just no way. I would never be happy back there and as much as I say that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me, they left divots that no amount of apologies can ever cover. I deserve a much better love, even if I'm the only source of that love for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Today
Today
Is the first day of your life
The first day that you're on your own
Now you know what to call home
I know I'm right for leaving you
- New Found Glory "Second to Last"
I officially have my very own apartment now. That's right. Miss Independent is back and damn it feels good!
Now for the sweaty part. We have already agreed on what goes with me, so time to pack up and head out. Disentangling almost 7 years of life together isn't as daunting as it seemed. One step at a time.
On an emotional level, I keep thinking that at some point I'll get all nostalgic and sad, but so far I just can't seem to stop smiling! I actually feel bad being so happy because I know this is hard for him. He has only just now realized the wrongs he inflicted on me and stopped throwing stones at me.
But, life is complicated and all you can really do is make sure you make the decisions you can live with and have the happiest life possible while infringing as little as possible on other people's happiness. One day he will thank me for this. It's amazing, I've lived my 28 years always being the one clinging to the dead ashes of a relationship frantically blowing on them to recreate the spark and now, I have finally learned to cut ties when they're frayed beyond repair.
Well, got to get back to packing!
Is the first day of your life
The first day that you're on your own
Now you know what to call home
I know I'm right for leaving you
- New Found Glory "Second to Last"
I officially have my very own apartment now. That's right. Miss Independent is back and damn it feels good!
Now for the sweaty part. We have already agreed on what goes with me, so time to pack up and head out. Disentangling almost 7 years of life together isn't as daunting as it seemed. One step at a time.
On an emotional level, I keep thinking that at some point I'll get all nostalgic and sad, but so far I just can't seem to stop smiling! I actually feel bad being so happy because I know this is hard for him. He has only just now realized the wrongs he inflicted on me and stopped throwing stones at me.
But, life is complicated and all you can really do is make sure you make the decisions you can live with and have the happiest life possible while infringing as little as possible on other people's happiness. One day he will thank me for this. It's amazing, I've lived my 28 years always being the one clinging to the dead ashes of a relationship frantically blowing on them to recreate the spark and now, I have finally learned to cut ties when they're frayed beyond repair.
Well, got to get back to packing!
Monday, March 21, 2011
My Own Private Imaginarium
So fast forward to post April 1st, 2001 life of Daz. Let's check in on the sweet lass and see how she's doing. Well isn't that a quaint, homey little spot of a place! She returns home from work, walks in the door to blessed quiet. She slips off her heels and goes to the kitchen to fix a nice simple meal while turning up the music. She checks in on her friends and family. She goes out to whatever event she has planned for the evening or prepares for the people that will be coming by. She entertains them with her crazy tales of the days and nights before. She settles in the for the evening and lays her precious little head to sleep thinking about what a wonderful day it has been. Weekends are spent living. She takes advantage of the beautiful weather by hitting a hometown creek or going for a long drive to see friends. Rainy Saturdays are spent in quiet calm and peace. Sundays are for God. She greets the day eager to see her church family and serve her congregation. She is content in all the ways that matter.
.
This future is how I endure my present.
""Fine, be a bi*&h"
"You are being unbelievably selfish"
"I wish you had the mental capacity to hurt like I am"
"This marriage has been a sham the whole time."
"What are you doing? Whoring yourself out? Wouldn't surprise me."
"You are leaving me in the time of my greatest need. That takes a pretty mentally unstable person."
"If you met someone, go ahead and move in with him. I'm sure he'll appreciate the hurtful person that is you."
"God knows you're good at being a whore Mary Magdeline."
"I wish you would go to my psychologist so someone can see how nuts you are"
"I think you are a compulsive liar who is fu*&ed up."
And my personal favorite:
"You didn't deserve me anyways."
Yes, yes indeed. You are correct and I fully intend to rectify that situation.
.
This future is how I endure my present.
""Fine, be a bi*&h"
"You are being unbelievably selfish"
"I wish you had the mental capacity to hurt like I am"
"This marriage has been a sham the whole time."
"What are you doing? Whoring yourself out? Wouldn't surprise me."
"You are leaving me in the time of my greatest need. That takes a pretty mentally unstable person."
"If you met someone, go ahead and move in with him. I'm sure he'll appreciate the hurtful person that is you."
"God knows you're good at being a whore Mary Magdeline."
"I wish you would go to my psychologist so someone can see how nuts you are"
"I think you are a compulsive liar who is fu*&ed up."
And my personal favorite:
"You didn't deserve me anyways."
Yes, yes indeed. You are correct and I fully intend to rectify that situation.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I'm Coming Up
Throughout my life I've always believed that when I made a decision, that if it was the correct one then God would make things fall in to place and easy, sort of like an endorsement. So today was an on the fence day about the divorce and starting a new life. You just have days like that when you go through something like this.
Out of the blue my grandmother who I haven't seen in a couple years sent me a message saying she would be in the area and would like to spend time with me. I immediately said yes and hopped in the car and zoomed right over. It was fabulous. Not earth shattering, but just one of those amazing times where you don't talk about much of anything but just being with that person soothes your soul. Then I drove home with the most beautiful moon leading me all the way home as I had the window down and was howling along to some of my favorite songs. I smiled so much I started to feel like an idiot. Deep down I got this great sense of peace and joy about this new chapter of my life. It's going to be amazing. I'm pretty full to bursting with excitement right now and I have a feeling that it's only going to get exponentially better.
Bedbugs and Blankets
My friends are like bedbugs. I just can't shake these people. They are persistent and get under my skin and I absolutely love them for it. Even when I alienate myself from them for long periods of time, they're still there lurking for the first chance to hop on me. God bless these beautiful people.
I have moments where I've wavered during this pre-divorce separation and I'll be damned if every single time when I reach out for advice these blessed little bugs don't buy into cheap bitching, but listen to what I'm really saying and ask me the questions that lead me to the answers in my heart. They love me in a way I'm not sure Senor Ex ever has. Maybe that's why he tried to alienate me from them. I'll stop right there, I have no interest in becoming bitter and blaming.
Oh the life I used to have with my bugs. They are all so different and it feels like my heart reached out and connected to each one of them because collectively they make up my personality. I have country friends, city friends, crazy impulsive friends, deep thoughtful friends, snarky sarcastic ones and genuine open ones. I have a friend for every facet of myself. How lucky am I?
I'm actually even luckier than you think because I have a family that's like the biggest, coziest quilt ever. They are a bright collection of quirky people in what appears to be a random mismatched pattern, but try to tear a block out and you'll find out just how strong we are. My family has always been amazing at standing back and letting people grow into themselves. We don't micromanage. We hang out on the quilt rack until you're shivering and reach for us then we hop in and cover you up until the worst is past and you are content from the soul out.
Life has thrown some pretty crazy crap my way, but when it seems too much I hop in my bed and let my bedbugs burrow deep to remind me that I can do it and cover myself in my blanket that repels the worst of it until the worst has passed.
I have moments where I've wavered during this pre-divorce separation and I'll be damned if every single time when I reach out for advice these blessed little bugs don't buy into cheap bitching, but listen to what I'm really saying and ask me the questions that lead me to the answers in my heart. They love me in a way I'm not sure Senor Ex ever has. Maybe that's why he tried to alienate me from them. I'll stop right there, I have no interest in becoming bitter and blaming.
Oh the life I used to have with my bugs. They are all so different and it feels like my heart reached out and connected to each one of them because collectively they make up my personality. I have country friends, city friends, crazy impulsive friends, deep thoughtful friends, snarky sarcastic ones and genuine open ones. I have a friend for every facet of myself. How lucky am I?
I'm actually even luckier than you think because I have a family that's like the biggest, coziest quilt ever. They are a bright collection of quirky people in what appears to be a random mismatched pattern, but try to tear a block out and you'll find out just how strong we are. My family has always been amazing at standing back and letting people grow into themselves. We don't micromanage. We hang out on the quilt rack until you're shivering and reach for us then we hop in and cover you up until the worst is past and you are content from the soul out.
Life has thrown some pretty crazy crap my way, but when it seems too much I hop in my bed and let my bedbugs burrow deep to remind me that I can do it and cover myself in my blanket that repels the worst of it until the worst has passed.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
A Page is Turned
"He put it on me, I put it on, like there was nothing wrong. It didn't fit, it wasn't right."
- Katy Perry "Not Like the Movies"
Wow. Two years since I've last blogged? What happened to me? A man. A marriage and now a divorce.
Amazing how when you're younger you have such firm morals and ideas of what you absolutely will never do, then one day you remember that and realize you've broken almost every one. Divorce was always on that list for me.
I could list the hundreds of things that went wrong, but in the end the truth is this. I looked at him and realized that I didn't love him anymore. I didn't even love myself anymore the way I was with him. When I realized that I could do something about it then I almost became drunk with this sudden release of stress and rush of freedom.
So now, here I am at 28 starting over. I know in the big picture that 28 is still young enough, but hell I was considering parenthood pretty seriously a few months ago so to consider how long it will take to get back to that point with someone it floors me a little.
Divorce isn't pretty. It's downright awful. I am literally walking away from something I invested almost seven years of my life to with not much more than the clothes on my back. I am walking away from my beautiful home I loved and invested so much heart into, pets that have become like children and a family that I love every bit as much as my own blood family. And that's just the collateral damage.
Divorcing the man actually isn't as much sad as just a relief to me. He's spent so much time in a dark hole clawing all the light from me that it took me a while to realize that there was none left for me. He is afraid of being alone. Rather than calmly accept the truth he alternates between calling me every horrible thing he can think of to try to break me down into believing he is the only one who will ever love me and then apologizing for his appalling behavior and promising change. Key word here: alternates. No matter how sincere the promise, he cannot help himself from falling back into his old patterns. So what could be an amicable parting of ways is now becoming me trying to endure my final days as he hurls everything in his arsenal at me in a last ditch effort.
But it's too late. I've remembered the bright, fun, happy girl I used to be. I remembered what it's like to be able to lose time in conversation with someone without having to justify my time. I've remembered the beauty in long evening drives with no destination without having to give an exact time I will return. These are the pure and beautiful things that I am excited to get back to that help me endure the barbs each day. These things are too pure to be ashamed of and nothing I should ever feel guilt for doing. How did that girl ever let a boy have that much control over her?
No more.
It's my time now.
- Katy Perry "Not Like the Movies"
Wow. Two years since I've last blogged? What happened to me? A man. A marriage and now a divorce.
Amazing how when you're younger you have such firm morals and ideas of what you absolutely will never do, then one day you remember that and realize you've broken almost every one. Divorce was always on that list for me.
I could list the hundreds of things that went wrong, but in the end the truth is this. I looked at him and realized that I didn't love him anymore. I didn't even love myself anymore the way I was with him. When I realized that I could do something about it then I almost became drunk with this sudden release of stress and rush of freedom.
So now, here I am at 28 starting over. I know in the big picture that 28 is still young enough, but hell I was considering parenthood pretty seriously a few months ago so to consider how long it will take to get back to that point with someone it floors me a little.
Divorce isn't pretty. It's downright awful. I am literally walking away from something I invested almost seven years of my life to with not much more than the clothes on my back. I am walking away from my beautiful home I loved and invested so much heart into, pets that have become like children and a family that I love every bit as much as my own blood family. And that's just the collateral damage.
Divorcing the man actually isn't as much sad as just a relief to me. He's spent so much time in a dark hole clawing all the light from me that it took me a while to realize that there was none left for me. He is afraid of being alone. Rather than calmly accept the truth he alternates between calling me every horrible thing he can think of to try to break me down into believing he is the only one who will ever love me and then apologizing for his appalling behavior and promising change. Key word here: alternates. No matter how sincere the promise, he cannot help himself from falling back into his old patterns. So what could be an amicable parting of ways is now becoming me trying to endure my final days as he hurls everything in his arsenal at me in a last ditch effort.
But it's too late. I've remembered the bright, fun, happy girl I used to be. I remembered what it's like to be able to lose time in conversation with someone without having to justify my time. I've remembered the beauty in long evening drives with no destination without having to give an exact time I will return. These are the pure and beautiful things that I am excited to get back to that help me endure the barbs each day. These things are too pure to be ashamed of and nothing I should ever feel guilt for doing. How did that girl ever let a boy have that much control over her?
No more.
It's my time now.
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