Memorial Day weekend. Yes, I understand the true meaning, but this past weekend was a celebration in memorial of my past life. A few months ago, I had this idea to go on a roadtrip through my past. Drive through my hometown, head over to the college town, drive through all the various places I've lived and I'd hoped to get some sort of perspective on where I was going based off of where I had been. It was a fleeting thought and I never did act on it, but somehow this past weekend turned into an experience similar to that.
I drove halfway across the great state of Oklahoma to a 10 year reunion of my mission trip team. As I made the trip I remember all the other trips I had made my senior year in high school for our meetings to prepare for our mission trip. I remembered all the times I got lost with my friend in the car beside me, all the crazy insane things that happen when you have two teenage girls driving halfway across the state by themselves. Inevitably, sadness crept in for how much fun life used to be as opposed to how boring it is now.
The reunion was great. My old mission team leader is leaving soon to fulfill her dream of being a missionary in Israel. That put some interesting thoughts in my mind about dreams and how there's no age limit on them (disclaimer: my old mission team leader is nowhere near being "old", she is only older than me).
Then as if to mirror my internal conflict between traveling the world solo versus being fulfilled by having a family I went onto the second leg of my weekend which was to help a dear friend and her husband move into their new house. I witnessed two beautiful things happen this weekend. My dear friends father flagged down an ice cream truck to offer to buy me a popsicle. I could go on and on about how gorgeous I find it that he did that. My dear friends mother stopped what she was doing to give me a hug and ask me how I was doing and stop to look into my eyes and await a response. Angels. I have a pretty amazing family, but my friends family just puts me in awe continually of how beautiful they are.
So while I'm still in continual indecision of which path to take in my life, it was great/amazing/cleansing/clarifying/simplyawesome to be able to experience the best pieces of my past in the perspective of how I will move forward.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Living in Fast Forward
The funny thing about life is that it likes to throw catch 22's at you. I blogged about wanting to have this crazy fun life because I was bored and now I'm living a pretty crazy fun life and am exhausted and never blog anymore!
I start everyday fresh with no plans, but by 5 the first few things have come along and by the end of the night it's somehow midnight and I'm just getting home! I really love it, even though my laundry and housework have been suffering. I'll take a dirty house over a boring life anyday! The greatest part about it all is that I choose what I am doing and who with. So I truly enjoy every single thing I do.
As far as the ex goes, things have settled down like I hoped they would. We're finally able to communicate again. It's a struggle to find the right balance of how to treat him. He still has alot of problems and now he feels like he can just lay them on me again, but the difference this time is that I don't have to listen to it. I can tell him what I'm really thinking, which is kind of nice but pointless since he's not interested in changing.
I've picked up walking and it's been really great. I'm sore and tired, but it's really good to know I'm doing something good for my body and I do always feel great after I've gone.
Well, time to sign off and head out. I have places to go and people to see. I'm sort of hoping to be a recluse this weekend, but I'm sure something will come up and I'll have an amazing time!
I start everyday fresh with no plans, but by 5 the first few things have come along and by the end of the night it's somehow midnight and I'm just getting home! I really love it, even though my laundry and housework have been suffering. I'll take a dirty house over a boring life anyday! The greatest part about it all is that I choose what I am doing and who with. So I truly enjoy every single thing I do.
As far as the ex goes, things have settled down like I hoped they would. We're finally able to communicate again. It's a struggle to find the right balance of how to treat him. He still has alot of problems and now he feels like he can just lay them on me again, but the difference this time is that I don't have to listen to it. I can tell him what I'm really thinking, which is kind of nice but pointless since he's not interested in changing.
I've picked up walking and it's been really great. I'm sore and tired, but it's really good to know I'm doing something good for my body and I do always feel great after I've gone.
Well, time to sign off and head out. I have places to go and people to see. I'm sort of hoping to be a recluse this weekend, but I'm sure something will come up and I'll have an amazing time!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Mamma Mia
Happy Mother's Day! I have one of the best mama's ever and I've done my daughterly duty and appreciated her yesterday and today.
But, as much as today is a gorgeous sunshine-filled day full of this undertone of human goodness vibes in the air I can't help but feel a little sad. If things had gone differently then it's very likely I would have been celebrating this day as an expectant mother if not already a mother. I always resisted the idea of motherhood until recently. A flip switched and suddenly I looked at all the pregnant women with envy. Unfortunately, my situation changed and now here I am single and childless. I guess in today's modern world I could become a single mother, but call me old fashioned but I want the whole package.
I went to a baby shower not too long ago and as much as I loved the mother-to-be and all the wonderful ladies there, there was also a newborn there. I sat a minute with the baby, away from all the laughter and conversation and my heart began to ache to intensely. I wanted a sweet little human to call my own.But, I want it to be born to a mother and father who are so deeply in love and waited impatiently for its arrival.
So, obviously step one is to find a man to love me. A man I can love. And a real love. I could easily find a man to love me and I could probably even love that man to a certain extent, but the real love is the kicker. Am I willing to compromise on the type of love just so I can get on with my life and have a family before its too late? The answer is no. I tried that.
As long as humans have inhabited the earth we have sought love. I love the saying that before we are born we are a complete soul, but when we come to earth that soul is divided and we spend our lives searching for our soulmate. I love it because it gives me hope that I do have a perfect mate out there. Unfortunately in this day of compromise, what if he is already married or chose a path that will never bring him into my life? To think that in this world populated by billions of humans only one will truly be my mate is frankly terrifying. I'm not a very lucky girl to begin with and those odds are not in my favor at all.
Maybe I just need to get a pet.
But, as much as today is a gorgeous sunshine-filled day full of this undertone of human goodness vibes in the air I can't help but feel a little sad. If things had gone differently then it's very likely I would have been celebrating this day as an expectant mother if not already a mother. I always resisted the idea of motherhood until recently. A flip switched and suddenly I looked at all the pregnant women with envy. Unfortunately, my situation changed and now here I am single and childless. I guess in today's modern world I could become a single mother, but call me old fashioned but I want the whole package.
I went to a baby shower not too long ago and as much as I loved the mother-to-be and all the wonderful ladies there, there was also a newborn there. I sat a minute with the baby, away from all the laughter and conversation and my heart began to ache to intensely. I wanted a sweet little human to call my own.But, I want it to be born to a mother and father who are so deeply in love and waited impatiently for its arrival.
So, obviously step one is to find a man to love me. A man I can love. And a real love. I could easily find a man to love me and I could probably even love that man to a certain extent, but the real love is the kicker. Am I willing to compromise on the type of love just so I can get on with my life and have a family before its too late? The answer is no. I tried that.
As long as humans have inhabited the earth we have sought love. I love the saying that before we are born we are a complete soul, but when we come to earth that soul is divided and we spend our lives searching for our soulmate. I love it because it gives me hope that I do have a perfect mate out there. Unfortunately in this day of compromise, what if he is already married or chose a path that will never bring him into my life? To think that in this world populated by billions of humans only one will truly be my mate is frankly terrifying. I'm not a very lucky girl to begin with and those odds are not in my favor at all.
Maybe I just need to get a pet.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Some Hearts Just Get All the Right Breaks
I try to keep it all happy and perky over here, but sometimes you are just magenta. A dear friend of mine introduced me to the concept of magenta: you are not exactly blue (sad) and you aren't red (mad), you are just sort of magenta and melancholy.
I've been thinking alot about my heart lately. I have had some pretty hard knocks on it in my life and I'm beginning to wonder what it means that I can't cry anymore. Have I finally shattered my heart beyond repair? Do I even have anything to offer the next man who comes into my life?
I am perceived as this strong woman, but the truth is I'm cold. I deal with the situations I'm dealt logically and then once the dust has settled I fall apart by myself in the dark. I hate public crying and I don't want people to see me that vulnerable.
I keep waiting on the falling apart to come, but it hasn't this time. No tears. Nothing. Even drunk and listening to sad songs I got nothing. That unsettles me in a big way. What kind of person doesn't cry after the loss of a 7 year relationship?
I'm afraid that the answer is that I'm officially numb now. How do you get your heart back? Is it like a battered animal who has to learn to trust again before it will come out of the shadows? Will I ever get it back? How can I ever love again if my heart stays hidden from me and inaccessible? I would like to think on some higher plan that God has reclaimed my heart for safekeeping until I can find someone worthy of it. Maybe I should focus on seeking God again and then I will find all that I am searching for.
I've been thinking alot about my heart lately. I have had some pretty hard knocks on it in my life and I'm beginning to wonder what it means that I can't cry anymore. Have I finally shattered my heart beyond repair? Do I even have anything to offer the next man who comes into my life?
I am perceived as this strong woman, but the truth is I'm cold. I deal with the situations I'm dealt logically and then once the dust has settled I fall apart by myself in the dark. I hate public crying and I don't want people to see me that vulnerable.
I keep waiting on the falling apart to come, but it hasn't this time. No tears. Nothing. Even drunk and listening to sad songs I got nothing. That unsettles me in a big way. What kind of person doesn't cry after the loss of a 7 year relationship?
I'm afraid that the answer is that I'm officially numb now. How do you get your heart back? Is it like a battered animal who has to learn to trust again before it will come out of the shadows? Will I ever get it back? How can I ever love again if my heart stays hidden from me and inaccessible? I would like to think on some higher plan that God has reclaimed my heart for safekeeping until I can find someone worthy of it. Maybe I should focus on seeking God again and then I will find all that I am searching for.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)