I try to keep it all happy and perky over here, but sometimes you are just magenta. A dear friend of mine introduced me to the concept of magenta: you are not exactly blue (sad) and you aren't red (mad), you are just sort of magenta and melancholy.
I've been thinking alot about my heart lately. I have had some pretty hard knocks on it in my life and I'm beginning to wonder what it means that I can't cry anymore. Have I finally shattered my heart beyond repair? Do I even have anything to offer the next man who comes into my life?
I am perceived as this strong woman, but the truth is I'm cold. I deal with the situations I'm dealt logically and then once the dust has settled I fall apart by myself in the dark. I hate public crying and I don't want people to see me that vulnerable.
I keep waiting on the falling apart to come, but it hasn't this time. No tears. Nothing. Even drunk and listening to sad songs I got nothing. That unsettles me in a big way. What kind of person doesn't cry after the loss of a 7 year relationship?
I'm afraid that the answer is that I'm officially numb now. How do you get your heart back? Is it like a battered animal who has to learn to trust again before it will come out of the shadows? Will I ever get it back? How can I ever love again if my heart stays hidden from me and inaccessible? I would like to think on some higher plan that God has reclaimed my heart for safekeeping until I can find someone worthy of it. Maybe I should focus on seeking God again and then I will find all that I am searching for.
No comments:
Post a Comment