Memorial Day weekend. Yes, I understand the true meaning, but this past weekend was a celebration in memorial of my past life. A few months ago, I had this idea to go on a roadtrip through my past. Drive through my hometown, head over to the college town, drive through all the various places I've lived and I'd hoped to get some sort of perspective on where I was going based off of where I had been. It was a fleeting thought and I never did act on it, but somehow this past weekend turned into an experience similar to that.
I drove halfway across the great state of Oklahoma to a 10 year reunion of my mission trip team. As I made the trip I remember all the other trips I had made my senior year in high school for our meetings to prepare for our mission trip. I remembered all the times I got lost with my friend in the car beside me, all the crazy insane things that happen when you have two teenage girls driving halfway across the state by themselves. Inevitably, sadness crept in for how much fun life used to be as opposed to how boring it is now.
The reunion was great. My old mission team leader is leaving soon to fulfill her dream of being a missionary in Israel. That put some interesting thoughts in my mind about dreams and how there's no age limit on them (disclaimer: my old mission team leader is nowhere near being "old", she is only older than me).
Then as if to mirror my internal conflict between traveling the world solo versus being fulfilled by having a family I went onto the second leg of my weekend which was to help a dear friend and her husband move into their new house. I witnessed two beautiful things happen this weekend. My dear friends father flagged down an ice cream truck to offer to buy me a popsicle. I could go on and on about how gorgeous I find it that he did that. My dear friends mother stopped what she was doing to give me a hug and ask me how I was doing and stop to look into my eyes and await a response. Angels. I have a pretty amazing family, but my friends family just puts me in awe continually of how beautiful they are.
So while I'm still in continual indecision of which path to take in my life, it was great/amazing/cleansing/clarifying/simplyawesome to be able to experience the best pieces of my past in the perspective of how I will move forward.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Living in Fast Forward
The funny thing about life is that it likes to throw catch 22's at you. I blogged about wanting to have this crazy fun life because I was bored and now I'm living a pretty crazy fun life and am exhausted and never blog anymore!
I start everyday fresh with no plans, but by 5 the first few things have come along and by the end of the night it's somehow midnight and I'm just getting home! I really love it, even though my laundry and housework have been suffering. I'll take a dirty house over a boring life anyday! The greatest part about it all is that I choose what I am doing and who with. So I truly enjoy every single thing I do.
As far as the ex goes, things have settled down like I hoped they would. We're finally able to communicate again. It's a struggle to find the right balance of how to treat him. He still has alot of problems and now he feels like he can just lay them on me again, but the difference this time is that I don't have to listen to it. I can tell him what I'm really thinking, which is kind of nice but pointless since he's not interested in changing.
I've picked up walking and it's been really great. I'm sore and tired, but it's really good to know I'm doing something good for my body and I do always feel great after I've gone.
Well, time to sign off and head out. I have places to go and people to see. I'm sort of hoping to be a recluse this weekend, but I'm sure something will come up and I'll have an amazing time!
I start everyday fresh with no plans, but by 5 the first few things have come along and by the end of the night it's somehow midnight and I'm just getting home! I really love it, even though my laundry and housework have been suffering. I'll take a dirty house over a boring life anyday! The greatest part about it all is that I choose what I am doing and who with. So I truly enjoy every single thing I do.
As far as the ex goes, things have settled down like I hoped they would. We're finally able to communicate again. It's a struggle to find the right balance of how to treat him. He still has alot of problems and now he feels like he can just lay them on me again, but the difference this time is that I don't have to listen to it. I can tell him what I'm really thinking, which is kind of nice but pointless since he's not interested in changing.
I've picked up walking and it's been really great. I'm sore and tired, but it's really good to know I'm doing something good for my body and I do always feel great after I've gone.
Well, time to sign off and head out. I have places to go and people to see. I'm sort of hoping to be a recluse this weekend, but I'm sure something will come up and I'll have an amazing time!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Mamma Mia
Happy Mother's Day! I have one of the best mama's ever and I've done my daughterly duty and appreciated her yesterday and today.
But, as much as today is a gorgeous sunshine-filled day full of this undertone of human goodness vibes in the air I can't help but feel a little sad. If things had gone differently then it's very likely I would have been celebrating this day as an expectant mother if not already a mother. I always resisted the idea of motherhood until recently. A flip switched and suddenly I looked at all the pregnant women with envy. Unfortunately, my situation changed and now here I am single and childless. I guess in today's modern world I could become a single mother, but call me old fashioned but I want the whole package.
I went to a baby shower not too long ago and as much as I loved the mother-to-be and all the wonderful ladies there, there was also a newborn there. I sat a minute with the baby, away from all the laughter and conversation and my heart began to ache to intensely. I wanted a sweet little human to call my own.But, I want it to be born to a mother and father who are so deeply in love and waited impatiently for its arrival.
So, obviously step one is to find a man to love me. A man I can love. And a real love. I could easily find a man to love me and I could probably even love that man to a certain extent, but the real love is the kicker. Am I willing to compromise on the type of love just so I can get on with my life and have a family before its too late? The answer is no. I tried that.
As long as humans have inhabited the earth we have sought love. I love the saying that before we are born we are a complete soul, but when we come to earth that soul is divided and we spend our lives searching for our soulmate. I love it because it gives me hope that I do have a perfect mate out there. Unfortunately in this day of compromise, what if he is already married or chose a path that will never bring him into my life? To think that in this world populated by billions of humans only one will truly be my mate is frankly terrifying. I'm not a very lucky girl to begin with and those odds are not in my favor at all.
Maybe I just need to get a pet.
But, as much as today is a gorgeous sunshine-filled day full of this undertone of human goodness vibes in the air I can't help but feel a little sad. If things had gone differently then it's very likely I would have been celebrating this day as an expectant mother if not already a mother. I always resisted the idea of motherhood until recently. A flip switched and suddenly I looked at all the pregnant women with envy. Unfortunately, my situation changed and now here I am single and childless. I guess in today's modern world I could become a single mother, but call me old fashioned but I want the whole package.
I went to a baby shower not too long ago and as much as I loved the mother-to-be and all the wonderful ladies there, there was also a newborn there. I sat a minute with the baby, away from all the laughter and conversation and my heart began to ache to intensely. I wanted a sweet little human to call my own.But, I want it to be born to a mother and father who are so deeply in love and waited impatiently for its arrival.
So, obviously step one is to find a man to love me. A man I can love. And a real love. I could easily find a man to love me and I could probably even love that man to a certain extent, but the real love is the kicker. Am I willing to compromise on the type of love just so I can get on with my life and have a family before its too late? The answer is no. I tried that.
As long as humans have inhabited the earth we have sought love. I love the saying that before we are born we are a complete soul, but when we come to earth that soul is divided and we spend our lives searching for our soulmate. I love it because it gives me hope that I do have a perfect mate out there. Unfortunately in this day of compromise, what if he is already married or chose a path that will never bring him into my life? To think that in this world populated by billions of humans only one will truly be my mate is frankly terrifying. I'm not a very lucky girl to begin with and those odds are not in my favor at all.
Maybe I just need to get a pet.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Some Hearts Just Get All the Right Breaks
I try to keep it all happy and perky over here, but sometimes you are just magenta. A dear friend of mine introduced me to the concept of magenta: you are not exactly blue (sad) and you aren't red (mad), you are just sort of magenta and melancholy.
I've been thinking alot about my heart lately. I have had some pretty hard knocks on it in my life and I'm beginning to wonder what it means that I can't cry anymore. Have I finally shattered my heart beyond repair? Do I even have anything to offer the next man who comes into my life?
I am perceived as this strong woman, but the truth is I'm cold. I deal with the situations I'm dealt logically and then once the dust has settled I fall apart by myself in the dark. I hate public crying and I don't want people to see me that vulnerable.
I keep waiting on the falling apart to come, but it hasn't this time. No tears. Nothing. Even drunk and listening to sad songs I got nothing. That unsettles me in a big way. What kind of person doesn't cry after the loss of a 7 year relationship?
I'm afraid that the answer is that I'm officially numb now. How do you get your heart back? Is it like a battered animal who has to learn to trust again before it will come out of the shadows? Will I ever get it back? How can I ever love again if my heart stays hidden from me and inaccessible? I would like to think on some higher plan that God has reclaimed my heart for safekeeping until I can find someone worthy of it. Maybe I should focus on seeking God again and then I will find all that I am searching for.
I've been thinking alot about my heart lately. I have had some pretty hard knocks on it in my life and I'm beginning to wonder what it means that I can't cry anymore. Have I finally shattered my heart beyond repair? Do I even have anything to offer the next man who comes into my life?
I am perceived as this strong woman, but the truth is I'm cold. I deal with the situations I'm dealt logically and then once the dust has settled I fall apart by myself in the dark. I hate public crying and I don't want people to see me that vulnerable.
I keep waiting on the falling apart to come, but it hasn't this time. No tears. Nothing. Even drunk and listening to sad songs I got nothing. That unsettles me in a big way. What kind of person doesn't cry after the loss of a 7 year relationship?
I'm afraid that the answer is that I'm officially numb now. How do you get your heart back? Is it like a battered animal who has to learn to trust again before it will come out of the shadows? Will I ever get it back? How can I ever love again if my heart stays hidden from me and inaccessible? I would like to think on some higher plan that God has reclaimed my heart for safekeeping until I can find someone worthy of it. Maybe I should focus on seeking God again and then I will find all that I am searching for.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Million Little Pieces
It's not that I haven't had things going on or emotions to express recently, it's just that I have to consider my audience and my self-imposed rules of conduct. I won't lie, I'm sick of the high road. The low road would be so much easier and satisfying, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
So, this is going to be most complex, puzzling post ever but I do need to just express some things out loud. Being defriended on facebook sucks. It probably should upset me more than it pisses me off though, so that in itself is a reflection of my feelings towards that person.
It is really hard to stop mothering people when I've spent my entire life mothering one person after another. I can see the train wreck ahead for some people in my life, but I have to step back and let them see the light head on for themselves instead of swooping in to deflect it. You can't save someone from themselves and you actually do them a great disservice by trying to do so.
I've been given permission to be as crazy as I want for the next 6 months, but I'm more confused than anything right now. When your life is an open meadow it's hard to pick a path through the grass. Do I even want to ever get remarried?
Should I be a recluse for a while to let myself "heal" and self-reflect or do I go seize the day? If I seize the day am I just looking for temporary hiding places from being alone with myself? Which way is the right way? It feels more natural to me to surround myself with people and activities, but then I wonder if I'm doing it just to avoid loneliness.
I watched a movie last night and in a scene a therapist gave out some one size fits all advice: Decide what it is you want and learn how to ask for it. That really in a nutshell is my problem. I have this blank canvas and I'm lost among all the possibilities to the point where I'm standing still frozen in indecision. I know the answer is to go with my heart, but my head keeps getting in the way. I've always been a logical person over emotional so maybe by going "crazy" I will just let my emotions rule the day for the next few months. My head is already throwing tons of objections out to this, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel natural and right in my heart. Time for Daz to learn how to be impulsive.
So, this is going to be most complex, puzzling post ever but I do need to just express some things out loud. Being defriended on facebook sucks. It probably should upset me more than it pisses me off though, so that in itself is a reflection of my feelings towards that person.
It is really hard to stop mothering people when I've spent my entire life mothering one person after another. I can see the train wreck ahead for some people in my life, but I have to step back and let them see the light head on for themselves instead of swooping in to deflect it. You can't save someone from themselves and you actually do them a great disservice by trying to do so.
I've been given permission to be as crazy as I want for the next 6 months, but I'm more confused than anything right now. When your life is an open meadow it's hard to pick a path through the grass. Do I even want to ever get remarried?
Should I be a recluse for a while to let myself "heal" and self-reflect or do I go seize the day? If I seize the day am I just looking for temporary hiding places from being alone with myself? Which way is the right way? It feels more natural to me to surround myself with people and activities, but then I wonder if I'm doing it just to avoid loneliness.
I watched a movie last night and in a scene a therapist gave out some one size fits all advice: Decide what it is you want and learn how to ask for it. That really in a nutshell is my problem. I have this blank canvas and I'm lost among all the possibilities to the point where I'm standing still frozen in indecision. I know the answer is to go with my heart, but my head keeps getting in the way. I've always been a logical person over emotional so maybe by going "crazy" I will just let my emotions rule the day for the next few months. My head is already throwing tons of objections out to this, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel natural and right in my heart. Time for Daz to learn how to be impulsive.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Dream the Impossible Dream
Lately I've been doing alot of reflection on the type of man I want and need next time around. Tonight I had a major revelation. I can lump alot of the qualities I'm looking for under the umbrella of one word: Godly.
I went to a worship service tonight and God hit me over the head with this interesting notion. I looked up at the dramatization of the Last Supper and saw all the men in the church up there portraying the disciples and Jesus and thought about how really amazing each of those men are.
I have always had this knee jerk reaction to the philosophy that a man should be the head of the family and spiritual leader. Probably because most of the men who said it to me, I wouldn't trust to care for a puppy much less my spiritual walk. But as I looked at these men and thought about their wives and families it occurred to me, that it has been a journey for these men to get to where they are and though they may be the unspoken leader of their household, not a single one of them would ever even consider saying that out loud. That's the measure of an amazing man. They remain humble and are always quick to point out that the best part about themselves is their wife.
Then, just to seal the deal I had a wonderful woman come up to me and express her to desire to set me up with a man. Not just any man, a man who has a very firm spiritual base. A godly man.
I mean who knows what will happen and I'm certainly not building this up into a magical moment and getting all gushy before I've really even spent time around this man, but it has definitely changed my perspective on how to view men as prospects moving forward.
I went to a worship service tonight and God hit me over the head with this interesting notion. I looked up at the dramatization of the Last Supper and saw all the men in the church up there portraying the disciples and Jesus and thought about how really amazing each of those men are.
I have always had this knee jerk reaction to the philosophy that a man should be the head of the family and spiritual leader. Probably because most of the men who said it to me, I wouldn't trust to care for a puppy much less my spiritual walk. But as I looked at these men and thought about their wives and families it occurred to me, that it has been a journey for these men to get to where they are and though they may be the unspoken leader of their household, not a single one of them would ever even consider saying that out loud. That's the measure of an amazing man. They remain humble and are always quick to point out that the best part about themselves is their wife.
Then, just to seal the deal I had a wonderful woman come up to me and express her to desire to set me up with a man. Not just any man, a man who has a very firm spiritual base. A godly man.
I mean who knows what will happen and I'm certainly not building this up into a magical moment and getting all gushy before I've really even spent time around this man, but it has definitely changed my perspective on how to view men as prospects moving forward.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Tis a Gift to be Simple, Tis a Gift to be Free
Tis a Gift to be Simple
Tis a Gift to be Free
Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be
And when you find yourself in the place just right, twill be in the valley and delight.
When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend, we shan't be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
Till by turning, turning we come round right.
I first learned this lovely Quaker hymn in Eastern District Honor Choir with Carrie Underwood singing next to me. The Quakers literally believed that by "turning" or spinning around they could throw the sin off of themselves. They even still to this day are the simplest of religions and people. Their worships are quite simply meditative times of music and prayer.
I'm learning the true joy of simplicity without the clutter and noise of things. On one hand I just don't have nearly the "things" I used to and on another I am choosing not too. I don't even have cable or satellite right now. The only technology I have is a computer and phone. So I'm not cut off by any means, but it will blow your mind how much time you waste on television.
I've learned that I prefer to hear the fountain in the lake outside my window and the birds over any tv or music. I prefer to keep my front door open to the sun. I feel as though I did some turning during the divorce and cast off alot of things that were making me unhappy. Granted it left me disoriented and dizzy, but I am in such a better place now. All the turning allowed me to learn that it really is a gift to be simple and free.
P.S. Ya like that random name dropping? I just couldn't help it. Other than running into some Disney Channel stars in an airport once it's the only claim to a famous person I have.
Tis a Gift to be Free
Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be
And when you find yourself in the place just right, twill be in the valley and delight.
When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend, we shan't be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
Till by turning, turning we come round right.
I first learned this lovely Quaker hymn in Eastern District Honor Choir with Carrie Underwood singing next to me. The Quakers literally believed that by "turning" or spinning around they could throw the sin off of themselves. They even still to this day are the simplest of religions and people. Their worships are quite simply meditative times of music and prayer.
I'm learning the true joy of simplicity without the clutter and noise of things. On one hand I just don't have nearly the "things" I used to and on another I am choosing not too. I don't even have cable or satellite right now. The only technology I have is a computer and phone. So I'm not cut off by any means, but it will blow your mind how much time you waste on television.
I've learned that I prefer to hear the fountain in the lake outside my window and the birds over any tv or music. I prefer to keep my front door open to the sun. I feel as though I did some turning during the divorce and cast off alot of things that were making me unhappy. Granted it left me disoriented and dizzy, but I am in such a better place now. All the turning allowed me to learn that it really is a gift to be simple and free.
P.S. Ya like that random name dropping? I just couldn't help it. Other than running into some Disney Channel stars in an airport once it's the only claim to a famous person I have.
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