A Million Little Pieces

It's not that I haven't had things going on or emotions to express recently, it's just that I have to consider my audience and my self-imposed rules of conduct. I won't lie, I'm sick of the high road. The low road would be so much easier and satisfying, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
So, this is going to be most complex, puzzling post ever but I do need to just express some things out loud. Being defriended on facebook sucks. It probably should upset me more than it pisses me off though, so that in itself is a reflection of my feelings towards that person.
It is really hard to stop mothering people when I've spent my entire life mothering one person after another. I can see the train wreck ahead for some people in my life, but I have to step back and let them see the light head on for themselves instead of swooping in to deflect it. You can't save someone from themselves and you actually do them a great disservice by trying to do so.
I've been given permission to be as crazy as I want for the next 6 months, but I'm more confused than anything right now. When your life is an open meadow it's hard to pick a path through the grass. Do I even want to ever get remarried?
Should I be a recluse for a while to let myself "heal" and self-reflect or do I go seize the day? If I seize the day am I just looking for temporary hiding places from being alone with myself? Which way is the right way? It feels more natural to me to surround myself with people and activities, but then I wonder if I'm doing it just to avoid loneliness. 
I watched a movie last night and in a scene a therapist gave out some one size fits all advice: Decide what it is you want and learn how to ask for it. That really in a nutshell is my problem. I have this blank canvas and I'm lost among all the possibilities to the point where I'm standing still frozen in indecision. I know the answer is to go with my heart, but my head keeps getting in the way. I've always been a logical person over emotional so maybe by going "crazy" I will just let my emotions rule the day for the next few months. My head is already throwing tons of objections out to this, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel natural and right in my heart. Time for Daz to learn how to be impulsive.

Dream the Impossible Dream

Lately I've been doing alot of reflection on the type of man I want and need next time around. Tonight I had a major revelation. I can lump alot of the qualities I'm looking for under the umbrella of one word: Godly.
I went to a worship service tonight and God hit me over the head with this interesting notion. I looked up at the dramatization of the Last Supper and saw all the men in the church up there portraying the disciples and Jesus and thought about how really amazing each of those men are.
I have always had this knee jerk reaction to the philosophy that a man should be the head of the family and spiritual leader. Probably because most of the men who said it to me, I wouldn't trust to care for a puppy much less my spiritual walk. But as I looked at these men and thought about their wives and families it occurred to me, that it has been a journey for these men to get to where they are and though they may be the unspoken leader of their household, not a single one of them would ever even consider saying that out loud. That's the measure of an amazing man. They remain humble and are always quick to point out that the best part about themselves is their wife.
Then, just to seal the deal I had a wonderful woman come up to me and express her to desire to set me up with a man. Not just any man, a man who has a very firm spiritual base. A godly man.
I mean who knows what will happen and I'm certainly not building this up into a magical moment and getting all gushy before I've really even spent time around this man, but it has definitely changed my perspective on how to view men as prospects moving forward.

Tis a Gift to be Simple, Tis a Gift to be Free

Tis a Gift to be Simple
Tis a Gift to be Free
Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be
And when you find yourself in the place just right, twill be in the valley and delight.
When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend, we shan't be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
Till by turning, turning we come round right.

I first learned this lovely Quaker hymn in Eastern District Honor Choir with Carrie Underwood singing next to me. The Quakers literally believed that by "turning" or spinning around they could throw the sin off of themselves. They even still to this day are the simplest of religions and people. Their worships are quite simply meditative times of music and prayer.
I'm learning the true joy of simplicity without the clutter and noise of things. On one hand I just don't have nearly the "things" I used to and on another I am choosing not too. I don't even have cable or satellite right now. The only technology I have is a computer and phone. So I'm not cut off by any means, but it will blow your mind how much time you waste on television.
I've learned that I prefer to hear the fountain in the lake outside my window and the birds over any tv or music. I prefer to keep my front door open to the sun. I feel as though I did some turning during the divorce and cast off alot of things that were making me unhappy. Granted it left me disoriented and dizzy, but I am in such a better place now. All the turning allowed me to learn that it really is a gift to be simple and free.


P.S. Ya like that random name dropping? I just couldn't help it. Other than running into some Disney Channel stars in an airport once it's the only claim to a famous person I have. 

I'm Not as Good as I Once Was . . . .

I've started journaling again and I went back on a whim a found an interesting entry from 6 years ago. It was a list of the craziest things that have ever happened to me. Some require quite a bit of explanation, but just for giggles I'll leave them as teasers and the folks who are curious enough can ask me directly. This isn't the whole list, but here's a snippet:

Having my first boyfriend marry my best friend

Losing my passport on a train to Slovakia

Running out of gas in OKC on I-40 and ending up having the most amazing night of my life with Joe the Navy guy

Getting a tattoo, totalling my car and graduating high school all in one week, and having to explain it all to my dad once he got back into town

Having my laundry taken hostage for gas money

Going to my first Philharmonic performance and completely humiliating myself

Getting an impromptu haircut because I somehow managed to get it stuck in a Go Kart

Being detained by Customs in the Newark airport for making a joke about a ham

Being asked by my best friend (female) to help take out her nipple ring. Akward. Oh and being flashed a clit piercing.

Taking a nap at the Dachau concentration camp in Germany

"Forget Regret, or life is yours to miss"

Folks I am here to tell you that I chose my blog title aptly. I err and I regret, but I find I do it much less often than I used to. I did it again last night. I may have ruined a relationship with a friend due to impulsiveness and speaking before thinking. I could chalk it up to female emotion or being tired, but I have no respect for people who always rely on excuses rather than admitting their wrongs. Regardless of my hormones, lack of sleep or anything else, I said and did things I knew I shouldn't have.
You know that half second after your thoughts become sound waves and you just heard yourself speak? That my friend is the birthplace of regret. Your words are now out there. There is no going back and there is no fixing it. I know regret can come from words, actions, inaction and words unspoken. I did a little bit of all of the above last night. I said things I shouldn't have, didn't say things I should have, did things I shouldn't have and didn't do things I should have.
This ain't my first rodeo so I knew that the only way to minimize damage done if at all possible is to immediately apologize. I did so and now the rest is on the other person. This is the moment where you hope that the people in your life are much wiser and kinder than you are. I don't know how it will turn out, but I know that it affected me today.
I was crabby and cranky and all because I was angry at myself and regretful and ashamed of my behavior. At the end of the day regret is a great teacher. It can cause physical sickness all in an effort to teach you to stop and consider your actions and avoid such actions in the future.
I think the biggest lesson of regret is that it reminds you that no matter how you secretly pat yourself on the back for being a great person that you still have a long long way to go. A life without regret doesn't exist and I wouldn't want it to. If it didn't then when would you ever pause and have these moments of growth? But, they are called growing pains for a reason.

Time, Love & Tenderness

So last night it finally hit me. I have a weekend with no real plans. I cleaned as much as I could. Browsed some books, but by 8-ish I was bored and lonely. I took the opportunity to use that as a moment to reflect on myself. Am I really that insecure that I can't handle one night alone?
The answer is no. I realized that I've been lonely for the last 6 months in my marriage and that this is only my first night in the last 2 weeks in the new place where my circumstances reflect my feelings. Home all alone with nothing to do.
For some reason I got to missing my cousin who passed away several years ago. I pulled out all the sentimental momentos and eventually it led me to a place where I realized that I'm just in a growing phase right now. I'm growing back into myself in a way that I never really allowed myself to before. Before I always seemed to surround myself with friends or a significant other that I always used as a mold for how I was as a person.
Now I have the freedom to choose who I am, what I surround myself with and my likes and dislikes. I enjoy it, but it is strange and different. Sort of like my experience with my new Wal-Mart. Since my move I've had to change Wal-Marts and I explored my new one a bit last night and it was strange and different, but overall I know in time I'll prefer it over the old Wal-Mart, it's just going to take some time.