Memorial Day. . . . . . . in a different way

Memorial Day weekend. Yes, I understand the true meaning, but this past weekend was a celebration in memorial of my past life. A few months ago, I had this idea to go on a roadtrip through my past. Drive through my hometown, head over to the college town, drive through all the various places I've lived and I'd hoped to get some sort of perspective on where I was going based off of where I had been. It was a fleeting thought and I never did act on it, but somehow this past weekend turned into an experience similar to that.
I drove halfway across the great state of Oklahoma to a 10 year reunion of my mission trip team. As I made the trip I remember all the other trips I had made my senior year in high school for our meetings to prepare for our mission trip. I remembered all the times I got lost with my friend in the car beside me, all the crazy insane things that happen when you have two teenage girls driving halfway across the state by themselves. Inevitably, sadness crept in for how much fun life used to be as opposed to how boring it is now.
The reunion was great. My old mission team leader is leaving soon to fulfill her dream of being a missionary in Israel. That put some interesting thoughts in my mind about dreams and how there's no age limit on them (disclaimer: my old mission team leader is nowhere near being "old", she is only older than me).
Then as if to mirror my internal conflict between traveling the world solo versus being fulfilled by having a family I went onto the second leg of my weekend which was to help a dear friend and her husband move into their new house. I witnessed two beautiful things happen this weekend. My dear friends father flagged down an ice cream truck to offer to buy me a popsicle. I could go on and on about how gorgeous I find it that he did that. My dear friends mother stopped what she was doing to give me a hug and ask me how I was doing and stop to look into my eyes and await a response. Angels. I have a pretty amazing family, but my friends family just puts me in awe continually of how beautiful they are.
So while I'm still in continual indecision of which path to take in my life, it was great/amazing/cleansing/clarifying/simplyawesome to be able to experience the best pieces of my past in the perspective of how I will move forward.

Living in Fast Forward

The funny thing about life is that it likes to throw catch 22's at you. I blogged about wanting to have this crazy fun life because I was bored and now I'm living a pretty crazy fun life and am exhausted and never blog anymore!
I start everyday fresh with no plans, but by 5 the first few things have come along and by the end of the night it's somehow midnight and I'm just getting home! I really love it, even though my laundry and housework have been suffering. I'll take a dirty house over a boring life anyday! The greatest part about it all is that I choose what I am doing and who with. So I truly enjoy every single thing I do.
As far as the ex goes, things have settled down like I hoped they would. We're finally able to communicate again. It's a struggle to find the right balance of how to treat him. He still has alot of problems and now he feels like he can just lay them on me again, but the difference this time is that I don't have to listen to it. I can tell him what I'm really thinking, which is kind of nice but pointless since he's not interested in changing.
I've picked up walking and it's been really great. I'm sore and tired, but it's really good to know I'm doing something good for my body and I do always feel great after I've gone.
Well, time to sign off and head out. I have places to go and people to see. I'm sort of hoping to be a recluse this weekend, but I'm sure something will come up and I'll have an amazing time!

Mamma Mia

Happy Mother's Day! I have one of the best mama's ever and I've done my daughterly duty and appreciated her yesterday and today.
But, as much as today is a gorgeous sunshine-filled day full of this undertone of human goodness vibes in the air I can't help but feel a little sad. If things had gone differently then it's very likely I would have been celebrating this day as an expectant mother if not already a mother. I always resisted the idea of motherhood until recently. A flip switched and suddenly I looked at all the pregnant women with envy. Unfortunately, my situation changed and now here I am single and childless. I guess in today's modern world I could become a single mother, but call me old fashioned but I want the whole package.
I went to a baby shower not too long ago and as much as I loved the mother-to-be and all the wonderful ladies there, there was also a newborn there. I sat a minute with the baby, away from all the laughter and conversation and my heart began to ache to intensely. I wanted a sweet little human to call my own.But,  I want it to be born to a mother and father who are so deeply in love and waited impatiently for its arrival.
So, obviously step one is to find a man to love me. A man I can love. And a real love. I could easily find a man to love me and I could probably even love that man to a certain extent, but the real love is the kicker. Am I willing to compromise on the type of love just so I can get on with my life and have a family before its too late? The answer is no. I tried that.
As long as humans have inhabited the earth we have sought love. I love the saying that before we are born we are a complete soul, but when we come to earth that soul is divided and we spend our lives searching for our soulmate. I love it because it gives me hope that I do have a perfect mate out there. Unfortunately in this day of compromise, what if he is already married or chose a path that will never bring him into my life? To think that in this world populated by billions of humans only one will truly be my mate is frankly terrifying. I'm not a very lucky girl to begin with and those odds are not in my favor at all.
Maybe I just need to get a pet.

Some Hearts Just Get All the Right Breaks

I try to keep it all happy and perky over here, but sometimes you are just magenta. A dear friend of mine introduced me to the concept of magenta: you are not exactly blue (sad) and you aren't red (mad), you are just sort of magenta and melancholy.
I've been thinking alot about my heart lately. I have had some pretty hard knocks on it in my life and I'm beginning to wonder what it means that I can't cry anymore. Have I finally shattered my heart beyond repair? Do I even have anything to offer the next man who comes into my life?
I am perceived as this strong woman, but the truth is I'm cold. I deal with the situations I'm dealt logically and then once the dust has settled I fall apart by myself in the dark. I hate public crying and I don't want people to see me that vulnerable.
I keep waiting on the falling apart to come, but it hasn't this time. No tears. Nothing. Even drunk and listening to sad songs I got nothing. That unsettles me in a big way. What kind of person doesn't cry after the loss of a 7 year relationship?
I'm afraid that the answer is that I'm officially numb now. How do you get your heart back? Is it like a battered animal who has to learn to trust again before it will come out of the shadows? Will I ever get it back? How can I ever love again if my heart stays hidden from me and inaccessible?  I would like to think on some higher plan that God has reclaimed my heart for safekeeping until I can find someone worthy of it. Maybe I should focus on seeking God again and then I will find all that I am searching for.

A Million Little Pieces

It's not that I haven't had things going on or emotions to express recently, it's just that I have to consider my audience and my self-imposed rules of conduct. I won't lie, I'm sick of the high road. The low road would be so much easier and satisfying, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
So, this is going to be most complex, puzzling post ever but I do need to just express some things out loud. Being defriended on facebook sucks. It probably should upset me more than it pisses me off though, so that in itself is a reflection of my feelings towards that person.
It is really hard to stop mothering people when I've spent my entire life mothering one person after another. I can see the train wreck ahead for some people in my life, but I have to step back and let them see the light head on for themselves instead of swooping in to deflect it. You can't save someone from themselves and you actually do them a great disservice by trying to do so.
I've been given permission to be as crazy as I want for the next 6 months, but I'm more confused than anything right now. When your life is an open meadow it's hard to pick a path through the grass. Do I even want to ever get remarried?
Should I be a recluse for a while to let myself "heal" and self-reflect or do I go seize the day? If I seize the day am I just looking for temporary hiding places from being alone with myself? Which way is the right way? It feels more natural to me to surround myself with people and activities, but then I wonder if I'm doing it just to avoid loneliness. 
I watched a movie last night and in a scene a therapist gave out some one size fits all advice: Decide what it is you want and learn how to ask for it. That really in a nutshell is my problem. I have this blank canvas and I'm lost among all the possibilities to the point where I'm standing still frozen in indecision. I know the answer is to go with my heart, but my head keeps getting in the way. I've always been a logical person over emotional so maybe by going "crazy" I will just let my emotions rule the day for the next few months. My head is already throwing tons of objections out to this, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel natural and right in my heart. Time for Daz to learn how to be impulsive.

Dream the Impossible Dream

Lately I've been doing alot of reflection on the type of man I want and need next time around. Tonight I had a major revelation. I can lump alot of the qualities I'm looking for under the umbrella of one word: Godly.
I went to a worship service tonight and God hit me over the head with this interesting notion. I looked up at the dramatization of the Last Supper and saw all the men in the church up there portraying the disciples and Jesus and thought about how really amazing each of those men are.
I have always had this knee jerk reaction to the philosophy that a man should be the head of the family and spiritual leader. Probably because most of the men who said it to me, I wouldn't trust to care for a puppy much less my spiritual walk. But as I looked at these men and thought about their wives and families it occurred to me, that it has been a journey for these men to get to where they are and though they may be the unspoken leader of their household, not a single one of them would ever even consider saying that out loud. That's the measure of an amazing man. They remain humble and are always quick to point out that the best part about themselves is their wife.
Then, just to seal the deal I had a wonderful woman come up to me and express her to desire to set me up with a man. Not just any man, a man who has a very firm spiritual base. A godly man.
I mean who knows what will happen and I'm certainly not building this up into a magical moment and getting all gushy before I've really even spent time around this man, but it has definitely changed my perspective on how to view men as prospects moving forward.

Tis a Gift to be Simple, Tis a Gift to be Free

Tis a Gift to be Simple
Tis a Gift to be Free
Tis a gift to come down where you ought to be
And when you find yourself in the place just right, twill be in the valley and delight.
When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend, we shan't be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
Till by turning, turning we come round right.

I first learned this lovely Quaker hymn in Eastern District Honor Choir with Carrie Underwood singing next to me. The Quakers literally believed that by "turning" or spinning around they could throw the sin off of themselves. They even still to this day are the simplest of religions and people. Their worships are quite simply meditative times of music and prayer.
I'm learning the true joy of simplicity without the clutter and noise of things. On one hand I just don't have nearly the "things" I used to and on another I am choosing not too. I don't even have cable or satellite right now. The only technology I have is a computer and phone. So I'm not cut off by any means, but it will blow your mind how much time you waste on television.
I've learned that I prefer to hear the fountain in the lake outside my window and the birds over any tv or music. I prefer to keep my front door open to the sun. I feel as though I did some turning during the divorce and cast off alot of things that were making me unhappy. Granted it left me disoriented and dizzy, but I am in such a better place now. All the turning allowed me to learn that it really is a gift to be simple and free.


P.S. Ya like that random name dropping? I just couldn't help it. Other than running into some Disney Channel stars in an airport once it's the only claim to a famous person I have. 

I'm Not as Good as I Once Was . . . .

I've started journaling again and I went back on a whim a found an interesting entry from 6 years ago. It was a list of the craziest things that have ever happened to me. Some require quite a bit of explanation, but just for giggles I'll leave them as teasers and the folks who are curious enough can ask me directly. This isn't the whole list, but here's a snippet:

Having my first boyfriend marry my best friend

Losing my passport on a train to Slovakia

Running out of gas in OKC on I-40 and ending up having the most amazing night of my life with Joe the Navy guy

Getting a tattoo, totalling my car and graduating high school all in one week, and having to explain it all to my dad once he got back into town

Having my laundry taken hostage for gas money

Going to my first Philharmonic performance and completely humiliating myself

Getting an impromptu haircut because I somehow managed to get it stuck in a Go Kart

Being detained by Customs in the Newark airport for making a joke about a ham

Being asked by my best friend (female) to help take out her nipple ring. Akward. Oh and being flashed a clit piercing.

Taking a nap at the Dachau concentration camp in Germany

"Forget Regret, or life is yours to miss"

Folks I am here to tell you that I chose my blog title aptly. I err and I regret, but I find I do it much less often than I used to. I did it again last night. I may have ruined a relationship with a friend due to impulsiveness and speaking before thinking. I could chalk it up to female emotion or being tired, but I have no respect for people who always rely on excuses rather than admitting their wrongs. Regardless of my hormones, lack of sleep or anything else, I said and did things I knew I shouldn't have.
You know that half second after your thoughts become sound waves and you just heard yourself speak? That my friend is the birthplace of regret. Your words are now out there. There is no going back and there is no fixing it. I know regret can come from words, actions, inaction and words unspoken. I did a little bit of all of the above last night. I said things I shouldn't have, didn't say things I should have, did things I shouldn't have and didn't do things I should have.
This ain't my first rodeo so I knew that the only way to minimize damage done if at all possible is to immediately apologize. I did so and now the rest is on the other person. This is the moment where you hope that the people in your life are much wiser and kinder than you are. I don't know how it will turn out, but I know that it affected me today.
I was crabby and cranky and all because I was angry at myself and regretful and ashamed of my behavior. At the end of the day regret is a great teacher. It can cause physical sickness all in an effort to teach you to stop and consider your actions and avoid such actions in the future.
I think the biggest lesson of regret is that it reminds you that no matter how you secretly pat yourself on the back for being a great person that you still have a long long way to go. A life without regret doesn't exist and I wouldn't want it to. If it didn't then when would you ever pause and have these moments of growth? But, they are called growing pains for a reason.

Time, Love & Tenderness

So last night it finally hit me. I have a weekend with no real plans. I cleaned as much as I could. Browsed some books, but by 8-ish I was bored and lonely. I took the opportunity to use that as a moment to reflect on myself. Am I really that insecure that I can't handle one night alone?
The answer is no. I realized that I've been lonely for the last 6 months in my marriage and that this is only my first night in the last 2 weeks in the new place where my circumstances reflect my feelings. Home all alone with nothing to do.
For some reason I got to missing my cousin who passed away several years ago. I pulled out all the sentimental momentos and eventually it led me to a place where I realized that I'm just in a growing phase right now. I'm growing back into myself in a way that I never really allowed myself to before. Before I always seemed to surround myself with friends or a significant other that I always used as a mold for how I was as a person.
Now I have the freedom to choose who I am, what I surround myself with and my likes and dislikes. I enjoy it, but it is strange and different. Sort of like my experience with my new Wal-Mart. Since my move I've had to change Wal-Marts and I explored my new one a bit last night and it was strange and different, but overall I know in time I'll prefer it over the old Wal-Mart, it's just going to take some time.

Now I can breathe again

So I'm all set up here in the new bachelor(ette) pad. It's amazing. It's freedom and silence and peace and joy. It's so nice to go somewhere and just completely be yourself with no interruptions. No picking up after anyone, no animals or other humans demanding my attention.
Even the nasty communication from the soon-to-be-ex has stopped. Instead he has switched over to begging for my return. As much as it would be so much easier than this disentanglement there's just no way. I would never be happy back there and as much as I say that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me, they left divots that no amount of apologies can ever cover. I deserve a much better love, even if I'm the only source of that love for the rest of my life. 

Today

Today
Is the first day of your life
The first day that you're on your own
Now you know what to call home
I know I'm right for leaving you
- New Found Glory "Second to Last"

I officially have my very own apartment now. That's right. Miss Independent is back and damn it feels good!
Now for the sweaty part. We have already agreed on what goes with me, so time to pack up and head out. Disentangling almost 7 years of life together isn't as daunting as it seemed. One step at a time.
On an emotional level, I keep thinking that at some point I'll get all nostalgic and sad, but so far I just can't seem to stop smiling! I actually feel bad being so happy because I know this is hard for him. He has only just now realized the wrongs he inflicted on me and stopped throwing stones at me.
But, life is complicated and all you can really do is make sure you make the decisions you can live with and have the happiest life possible while infringing as little as possible on other people's happiness. One day he will thank me for this. It's amazing, I've lived my 28 years always being the one clinging to the dead ashes of a relationship frantically blowing on them to recreate the spark and now, I have finally learned to cut ties when they're frayed beyond repair.
Well, got to get back to packing!

My Own Private Imaginarium

So fast forward to post April 1st, 2001 life of Daz. Let's check in on the sweet lass and see how she's doing. Well isn't that a quaint, homey little spot of a place! She returns home from work, walks in the door to blessed quiet. She slips off her heels and goes to the kitchen to fix a nice simple meal while turning up the music. She checks in on her friends and family. She goes out to whatever event she has planned for the evening or prepares for the people that will be coming by. She entertains them with her crazy tales of the days and nights before. She settles in the for the evening and lays her precious little head to sleep thinking about what a wonderful day it has been. Weekends are spent living. She takes advantage of the beautiful weather by hitting a hometown creek or going for a long drive to see friends. Rainy Saturdays are spent in quiet calm and peace. Sundays are for God. She greets the day eager to see her church family and serve her congregation. She is content in all the ways that matter.
.
This future is how I endure my present.

""Fine, be a bi*&h"
"You are being unbelievably selfish"
"I wish you had the mental capacity to hurt like I am"
"This marriage has been a sham the whole time."
"What are you doing? Whoring yourself out? Wouldn't surprise me."
"You are leaving me in the time of my greatest need. That takes a pretty mentally unstable person."
"If you met someone, go ahead and move in with him. I'm sure he'll appreciate the hurtful person that is you."
"God knows you're good at being a whore Mary Magdeline."
"I wish you would go to my psychologist so someone can see how nuts you are"
"I think you are a compulsive liar who is fu*&ed up."

And my personal favorite:

"You didn't deserve me anyways."

Yes, yes indeed. You are correct and I fully intend to rectify that situation.

I'm Coming Up

Let me start this off by explaining my faith. I am a Christian and I talk to God often whether with words or not and I listen for answers,  but in my life it has always seemed that God has responded with signs. Sometimes I see them before I make a decision, sometimes it's hindsight.

Throughout my life I've always believed that when I made a decision, that if it was the correct one then God would make things fall in to place and easy, sort of like an endorsement. So today was an on the fence day about the divorce and starting a new life. You just have days like that when you go through something like this.
Out of the blue my grandmother who I haven't seen in a couple years sent me a message saying she would be in the area and would like to spend time with me. I immediately said yes and hopped in the car and zoomed right over. It was fabulous. Not earth shattering, but just one of those amazing times where you don't talk about much of anything but just being with that person soothes your soul. Then I drove home with the most beautiful moon leading me all the way home as I had the window down and was howling along to some of my favorite songs. I smiled so much I started to feel like an idiot. Deep down I got this great sense of peace and joy about this new chapter of my life. It's going to be amazing. I'm pretty full to bursting with excitement right now and I have a feeling that it's only going to get exponentially better.

Bedbugs and Blankets

My friends are like bedbugs. I just can't shake these people. They are persistent and get under my skin and I absolutely love them for it. Even when I alienate myself from them for long periods of time, they're still there lurking for the first chance to hop on me. God bless these beautiful people.
I have moments where I've wavered during this pre-divorce separation and I'll be damned if every single time when I reach out for advice these blessed little bugs don't buy into cheap bitching, but listen to what I'm really saying and ask me the questions that lead me to the answers in my heart. They love me in a way I'm not sure Senor Ex ever has. Maybe that's why he tried to alienate me from them. I'll stop right there, I have no interest in becoming bitter and blaming.
Oh the life I used to have with my bugs. They are all so different and it feels like my heart reached out and connected to each one of them because collectively they make up my personality. I have country friends, city friends, crazy impulsive friends, deep thoughtful friends, snarky sarcastic ones and genuine open ones. I have a friend for every facet of myself. How lucky am I?
I'm actually even luckier than you think because I have a family that's like the biggest, coziest quilt ever. They are a bright collection of quirky people  in what appears to be a random mismatched pattern, but try to tear a block out and you'll find out just how strong we are. My family has always been amazing at standing back and letting people grow into themselves. We don't micromanage. We hang out on the quilt rack until you're shivering and reach for us then we hop in and cover you up until the worst is past and you are content from the soul out.
Life has thrown some pretty crazy crap my way, but when it seems too much I hop in my bed and let my bedbugs burrow deep to remind me that I can do it and cover myself in my blanket that repels the worst of it until the worst has passed.

A Page is Turned

"He put it on me, I put it on, like there was nothing wrong. It didn't fit, it wasn't right."
- Katy Perry "Not Like the Movies"

Wow. Two years since I've last blogged? What happened to me? A man. A marriage and now a divorce.
Amazing how when you're younger you have such firm morals and ideas of what you absolutely will never do, then one day you remember that and realize you've broken almost every one. Divorce was always on that list for me.
I could list the hundreds of things that went wrong, but in the end the truth is this. I looked at him and realized that I didn't love him anymore. I didn't even love myself anymore the way I was with him. When I realized that I could do something about it then I almost became drunk with this sudden release of stress and rush of freedom.
So now, here I am at 28 starting over. I know in the big picture that 28 is still young enough, but hell I was considering parenthood pretty seriously a few months ago so to consider how long it will take to get back to that point with someone it floors me a little.
Divorce isn't pretty. It's downright awful. I am literally walking away from something I invested almost seven years of my life to with not much more than the clothes on my back. I am walking away from my beautiful home I loved and invested so much heart into, pets that have become like children and a family that I love every bit as much as my own blood family. And that's just the collateral damage.
Divorcing the man actually isn't as much sad as just a relief to me. He's spent so much time in a dark hole clawing all the light from me that it took me a while to realize that there was none left for me. He is afraid of being alone. Rather than calmly accept the truth he alternates between calling me every horrible thing he can think of to try to break me down into believing he is the only one who will ever love me and then apologizing for his appalling behavior and promising change. Key word here: alternates. No matter how sincere the promise, he cannot help himself from falling back into his old patterns. So what could be an amicable parting of ways is now becoming me trying to endure my final days as he hurls everything in his arsenal at me in a last ditch effort.
But it's too late. I've remembered the bright, fun, happy girl I used to be. I remembered what it's like to be able to lose time in conversation with someone without having to justify my time. I've remembered the beauty in long evening drives with no destination without having to give an exact time I will return. These are the pure and beautiful things that I am excited to get back to that help me endure the barbs each day. These things are too pure to be ashamed of and nothing I should ever feel guilt for doing. How did that girl ever let a boy have that much control over her?

No more.

It's my time now.